From the Vault: Airport Taxis

Ken H. Posted Jul 2, 2008 4:06 PM
Post #: 146

Airport taxis are a great source of entertainment when properly used. Not that I'm complaining at all, but since I'm (so far) blissfully free of telemarketers in his country, I sometimes long for obnoxious but harmless aggressive solicitors of legally-dubious services on whom to take out my frustration. I specify "harmless," because two species who would otherwise fall into the category, i.e. hookers and stoplight windshield washers, can indeed be provoked to to the point of violence. Pirate cabbies seem to be a calmer lot, perhaps because their business success depends on making as little of an impression on you as possible. They would rather you not remember their faces for possible future identification, so unlike the beggars, washers and other solicitors about town, they don't waste time with you once you say "no," instead moving quickly onto the next victim.

This means that you can derive a kind of satisfying enjoyment by insulting their intelligence as much as they insult yours. Have some witty responses ready when your next Otopeni pirate cabbie approaches you, eyes darting for any nearby proper authority, offering his furtive, "Taxi, meester*?":

• "Good idea after that bumpy flight. I don't want to throw up in my own car.
• "No thanks, I only want the slowest and most expensive ride into town!"
• (only works if you and cabbie are both disheveled and unshaven males)"Only if I can ride up front with you, handsome." (caress his cheek with finger)

etc.

Of course, no guarantees that their answers won't backfire on you (like #3 saying "sure!"), but that's half the fun!

My favorite so far was the cabbie who flashed his genuine imitation Taxi Driver ID card (complete with taped-on photo and "Taxi Driver" written impressively above the crossed out "Universitatea din Bucuresti - Janitor") and said "See? I not with Mafia!"

I got in his face and with all the wiseguy accent I could muster, rumbled "Well I AM, you got a f***in' problem wid dat?" Again, this is a highly-tailored response as I can, with little effort, closely resemble a 2-meter tall semi-shaved ape from Jersey. Mostly because I AM a 2-meter tall semi-shaved ape from Jersey. Your results may vary and I encourage you to find your own tactics that best suit your gender, physical stature, personality, and maturity.

So now you know how to make your travel into Bucharest just a bit more entertaining. Give it a try!

- K -

*You will be called "Meester," regardless of gender and/or age.